I logged in to this blog and almost logged out. I don't have much to say, I think. But here I am. I can say that DMU has some volenteers. Two folks from Germany. One man from Israel. Very good to have them here. Bowie is Bowie. I've been looking for work and not finding any. I'm in good company I hear. May have to move sooner then I thought. Yup. Turns out I really didn't have anything to say. Come by DMU for a visit sometime.

I will never

A couple of years ago when I had health insurance for a couple months, I did a sleep study at the local hospital. I'm narcoleptic. My first study was done in the early 90's. No records remain so when I get a new doctor and say "I'm narcoleptic. Please give me drugs" it is sometimes strange. I went to the Willcox hospital which is very small but happens to have a sleep study center. Lot's of sleep apnea cases, I guess. My tech was a young guy who just moved to Wilcox from Illinois. My family is from Illinois so we hit it off. This kid was like twenty three years old and he lived in a trailer with his cat in town. Through talking I found out that all he does is work and then go home and sleep. When not working or sleeping he does Internet gaming or other forms of human interaction through the web; skyping, chatting and such. I remember thinking "Poor guy. Lives his social life through the computer. Lot's of other kids like him probably. They've grown up interactive on the web. Glad that's not me. I don't do that." I now humbly confess that I am just like him. This blog is one piece of evidence. I can say that yet another thing that I have said I'll never do, I have done. I have become. I am that which I was sure I was not. This has happened to me on several occasions. Many occasions. I get it now, I really do. There is a subtle chemistry I am performing when I say "I will never...." I then set into motion reactions that inevitably create that very condition in my own life. The up side is that I get to then release myself of that particular judgement of said life choice. So I get to be a rage-o-holic, a dead beat, the dude in need of a shower, a divorcee, the one living off unemployment, a user, a lier, rude, a hypocrite, he who lives through his computer, he who watches pro women's beach volleyball alone, the abuser of alcohol, the excessive user of gas, the thrower away of recyclable material, the one who hurts other living beings. While this could be seen as a reason to feel bad about myself, in the past it has, the last two times it has been different. A very distinct feeling of relief has accompanied the realization. Sort of like "Ah, I am that too. Finally, the wait is over." Then follows a confused joy where I marvel for a moment at this thing called "Matt" and feel a heart connection (albeit a small temporary one) to the person I have judged harshly and to anyone else similar to that person. I totally get it now. So right now, in this blog, in the holy realm of the Internet, with countless and nameless witnesseth-es, I set into motion another subtle chemistry reaction by saying the following; "I, Matt Gallup, will never be one of those truly happy people whose heart is filled with peace. I will never be one of those fully Awakened people who play in this divine world and whose every action is of benefit to others. I will never, ever truly Love everyone. I will never be someone who sees other people as exactly the same as myself and I'll never spend my life in service to them."
There. It is done. Now it's just a matter of time. Oh, I'll also say, "I will never have a smoking hot lady partner who loves and helps me, cares about others, plays music, yoga goddess, doesn't mind if I like women's beach volleyball or eat a hamburger or any number of things I won't mention here so help me God." Ok, there. Done. Thank you all for being here to witness-eth this momentous moment. The days of my suffering mind are numbered.
In other news, the retreat is going fine. They're all tucked into another month long deep retreat. Some problems with some solar electric systems. They have to cut down on blender use. They're so quiet I forget they are there sometimes. The care-takers are the broke, tired, kicking ass and taking names. Our outer world is going totally and perfectly to the dogs. The cocoon of the three year retreat is still intact.

The beautiful people

I am sitting at the gas station off the interstate right outside of Bowie. No, not the RV park gas station, the other one. The one that used to have ice cream, and a Subway, and a pizza place. Now it has fresh jerky and local nuts and sweets. Not bad, really. I'm here for the wi-fi. It's dark out and even with the glow of the pumps the stars are multitudinous. When you get out into the hills you will have stars thrown at you forcefully. The milky way will follow up like a heavy wet blanket and stun you.

I was thinking about facebook. It has not been healthy for me as of late. I spend time looking at the lives of my friends and instead of rejoicing for them I am longing. Why not me, I whine to the cold silent stars. There really are beautiful people in the world. You know that song by Marilyn Manson? "The Beautiful People". They are real. I see photos of their lives. They have strong attractive bodies which they adorn with cool comfortable clothing. They are surrounded by groups of others like them selves. They are going to Wanderlust and Burning Man or some other fair. They are spinning fire and hula hooping in spandex. They are doing acro-yoga in Thailand and then going surfing only to come back to the cabana and get a Thai Massage from another beautiful person. They rehabilitate sea turtles in Mexico and in the evening are part of a burlesque show when they are not on tour teaching partner yoga or performing in their Ariel trope that also dances tango in the streets of Berlin whilst, again, spinning fire. This happens. I see it a lot, actually, on facebook. I filed for unemployment a couple of weeks ago. I cannot buy my own gas. I borrowed money from my parents. Borrowed is a kind word. They gave it to me. If I'm lucky I will become part of the janitorial crew at the Bowie Public School. The copper mine outside Safford is also hiring. There will be no pool side fire spinning acro-yoga jams at the copper mine.

After the whining became boring I thought about the dharma. Rare event as of late. I thought about how sick I am of thinking about karma and emptiness. I know. Gasp. Blasphemy. I am tired of thinking about it the way I have been for the last four years. Every once in a while I get these little emotional flashes. The first one I had was back at the commune. For an instant I vividly imagined the house of the guy who was dating my freshly ex-ed girlfriend burning to the ground. I didn't really want that to happen. I had another recently. I flashed on burning all my dharma notes. Gasp. Blasphemy. All the ACI courses, poof! This describes my state of mind. What I've been focusing on has not completely served me. I studied intensely and served at DMU for three years and, finally, I get it. It's not all about me. This is my problem. I'm tired of thinking about myself, especially in a dharma way. My new thing is this. Love people. Good old Jesus Christ give them the other cheek, do unto others, love people. Nothing nice to say? Don't say anything. Stop wanting what you don't have. I have enough. Love. Don't think about it, just love them.