The beautiful people

I am sitting at the gas station off the interstate right outside of Bowie. No, not the RV park gas station, the other one. The one that used to have ice cream, and a Subway, and a pizza place. Now it has fresh jerky and local nuts and sweets. Not bad, really. I'm here for the wi-fi. It's dark out and even with the glow of the pumps the stars are multitudinous. When you get out into the hills you will have stars thrown at you forcefully. The milky way will follow up like a heavy wet blanket and stun you.

I was thinking about facebook. It has not been healthy for me as of late. I spend time looking at the lives of my friends and instead of rejoicing for them I am longing. Why not me, I whine to the cold silent stars. There really are beautiful people in the world. You know that song by Marilyn Manson? "The Beautiful People". They are real. I see photos of their lives. They have strong attractive bodies which they adorn with cool comfortable clothing. They are surrounded by groups of others like them selves. They are going to Wanderlust and Burning Man or some other fair. They are spinning fire and hula hooping in spandex. They are doing acro-yoga in Thailand and then going surfing only to come back to the cabana and get a Thai Massage from another beautiful person. They rehabilitate sea turtles in Mexico and in the evening are part of a burlesque show when they are not on tour teaching partner yoga or performing in their Ariel trope that also dances tango in the streets of Berlin whilst, again, spinning fire. This happens. I see it a lot, actually, on facebook. I filed for unemployment a couple of weeks ago. I cannot buy my own gas. I borrowed money from my parents. Borrowed is a kind word. They gave it to me. If I'm lucky I will become part of the janitorial crew at the Bowie Public School. The copper mine outside Safford is also hiring. There will be no pool side fire spinning acro-yoga jams at the copper mine.

After the whining became boring I thought about the dharma. Rare event as of late. I thought about how sick I am of thinking about karma and emptiness. I know. Gasp. Blasphemy. I am tired of thinking about it the way I have been for the last four years. Every once in a while I get these little emotional flashes. The first one I had was back at the commune. For an instant I vividly imagined the house of the guy who was dating my freshly ex-ed girlfriend burning to the ground. I didn't really want that to happen. I had another recently. I flashed on burning all my dharma notes. Gasp. Blasphemy. All the ACI courses, poof! This describes my state of mind. What I've been focusing on has not completely served me. I studied intensely and served at DMU for three years and, finally, I get it. It's not all about me. This is my problem. I'm tired of thinking about myself, especially in a dharma way. My new thing is this. Love people. Good old Jesus Christ give them the other cheek, do unto others, love people. Nothing nice to say? Don't say anything. Stop wanting what you don't have. I have enough. Love. Don't think about it, just love them.