I will never

A couple of years ago when I had health insurance for a couple months, I did a sleep study at the local hospital. I'm narcoleptic. My first study was done in the early 90's. No records remain so when I get a new doctor and say "I'm narcoleptic. Please give me drugs" it is sometimes strange. I went to the Willcox hospital which is very small but happens to have a sleep study center. Lot's of sleep apnea cases, I guess. My tech was a young guy who just moved to Wilcox from Illinois. My family is from Illinois so we hit it off. This kid was like twenty three years old and he lived in a trailer with his cat in town. Through talking I found out that all he does is work and then go home and sleep. When not working or sleeping he does Internet gaming or other forms of human interaction through the web; skyping, chatting and such. I remember thinking "Poor guy. Lives his social life through the computer. Lot's of other kids like him probably. They've grown up interactive on the web. Glad that's not me. I don't do that." I now humbly confess that I am just like him. This blog is one piece of evidence. I can say that yet another thing that I have said I'll never do, I have done. I have become. I am that which I was sure I was not. This has happened to me on several occasions. Many occasions. I get it now, I really do. There is a subtle chemistry I am performing when I say "I will never...." I then set into motion reactions that inevitably create that very condition in my own life. The up side is that I get to then release myself of that particular judgement of said life choice. So I get to be a rage-o-holic, a dead beat, the dude in need of a shower, a divorcee, the one living off unemployment, a user, a lier, rude, a hypocrite, he who lives through his computer, he who watches pro women's beach volleyball alone, the abuser of alcohol, the excessive user of gas, the thrower away of recyclable material, the one who hurts other living beings. While this could be seen as a reason to feel bad about myself, in the past it has, the last two times it has been different. A very distinct feeling of relief has accompanied the realization. Sort of like "Ah, I am that too. Finally, the wait is over." Then follows a confused joy where I marvel for a moment at this thing called "Matt" and feel a heart connection (albeit a small temporary one) to the person I have judged harshly and to anyone else similar to that person. I totally get it now. So right now, in this blog, in the holy realm of the Internet, with countless and nameless witnesseth-es, I set into motion another subtle chemistry reaction by saying the following; "I, Matt Gallup, will never be one of those truly happy people whose heart is filled with peace. I will never be one of those fully Awakened people who play in this divine world and whose every action is of benefit to others. I will never, ever truly Love everyone. I will never be someone who sees other people as exactly the same as myself and I'll never spend my life in service to them."
There. It is done. Now it's just a matter of time. Oh, I'll also say, "I will never have a smoking hot lady partner who loves and helps me, cares about others, plays music, yoga goddess, doesn't mind if I like women's beach volleyball or eat a hamburger or any number of things I won't mention here so help me God." Ok, there. Done. Thank you all for being here to witness-eth this momentous moment. The days of my suffering mind are numbered.
In other news, the retreat is going fine. They're all tucked into another month long deep retreat. Some problems with some solar electric systems. They have to cut down on blender use. They're so quiet I forget they are there sometimes. The care-takers are the broke, tired, kicking ass and taking names. Our outer world is going totally and perfectly to the dogs. The cocoon of the three year retreat is still intact.