Day One

I write to you now after a three day rest. Four days ago we got our last certificate of occupancy and then put every one into retreat. I can barely put the thoughts together and try to talk about that day. We all went to the temple in the evening with Geshe-hla and lama Christie. After the lama's spoke we all started saying good bye. Or we said see you in three years. We cried a lot. We confessed a lot of love for each other. The room was filled with an emotional energy I had not experienced before. For me it was a mix of Joy, relief, bitter sweet love, the agony of loss,

and excitement. The air was thick with it, you could wade though it. We walked through the room searching for one another like relatives at Ellis Island. Once we found the other there was a desire to not let go of them. To go with them. In many of our meditations we imagine the Lama in our hearts. That night I wanted to go into the hearts of my friends and live there. To not be apart from them. And that is what we on the outside of the retreat are bidden to do. We have to find a way to be with them while they are not with us. To reach them in a different way.

In the temple I found my friend and teacher, Kendra. I wish you could know Kendra, if you don't already. I sat next to her and it seemed that everyone else in the room was standing up at that moment. Their legs created a leg forest around us giving us a sort of privacy. She asked me to keep in touch with her family which is an honor for me. Her sister just had a baby and I had met her not long ago when she was pregnant. I had been holding it together up until Kendra hugged me. I see and feel that Kendra is a very pure person. Her love is very palpable to me. She and Ben, her hubby, are a big reason that I stayed at Diamond Mountain. I told her this but now, I think I would also say more. I would say "Kendra, you helped save my life from meaninglessness." And I would cry more because it feels good. I feel closer to you when I cry and you're not here.

May every person see their hearts dream come true. May we see that the dreams of others

are the same as ours and strive to help them reach it.